“I did so much to make her happy, but she refuses to acknowledge that. I did what she said, but even that she always grumbles.”
“I have sacrificed all for him, I have left my job to boost his ego and now he is showing his true colours. His only aim is to torture me day and night.”
“She has a habit of creating such a complicated situations, infect I always try to avoid arguments.” This is the statement many of us use when we are confronted with a difficult situation with our spouse or partner.
We assign the blame of where the difficulty originated. This is called blame game in the relationship. This is a very easy way to shun one’s responsibilities and flaws. It is always simple to blame others just to save one. Though it is simple but it not only kills a beautiful relationship but creates hatred between two lovers also. Why it happened that those who were deeply in love with each other, suddenly found that there is nothing good or right between each other and their relation has no sense? Bitterness grew in their relationship and instead of knowing the root cause, they start blaming each other, without giving a thought to their mistakes.
Somebody else is an easy target
In a loving relationship, everything starts with ‘ours’ and ends with it too. It is neither yours nor mine. It’s all ours. Even if one partner blunders, the other partner supports him/her. Same happens with the feeling of joy. Both experience the joy of each other’s achievements. Suddenly if things take a wrong turn and one partner no longer wants to understand his or her partner, his blunders become carelessness and achievements ego. ‘Ours’ moved to ‘me’ and ‘you’. The crack in the ‘ours’ to ‘me and you’ gives rise to the beginning of the blame game. Why do we blame somebody else? Sometimes the other person is responsible for what might have gone wrong, and sometimes, we find the other person an easy target to release our frustration. It is seen as a common self-defense and at times as a part of aggression. By shifting the blame on to the environment/external object or person, one tends to prevent a feeling of guilt.
Unhealthy for emotional well-being
Blame game is a very common among couples. Blames are not the disease but the symptom of the disease that is hurting the relationship. Excessive blame game, does not help solve our issues in the long run; although may give temporary relief. It also puts the other person on the defensive and may set in a vicious cycle, creating further turmoil in relationships. Blaming the other person for your misery and continuing in the vicious circle of the ‘blame game’ is not only damage the quality of relationship but also unhealthy for emotional well-being.
In personal relationships, we are not supposed to punish the other person in any way for whatever fault. We should either move away or come together again. To continue with the blame game and living together will not produce any result other than pain.
Instead of trusting and loving each other when the blame game starts, the need is to think and give you time. Think if the relationship gone beyond repair? Is the relationship giving more pain than pleasure? Are the partners sticking to each other to find someone to blame for their failures? Introspection in a balanced-rational way helps one gain insights about one’s own weaknesses and thereby provides a scope for improvement.
As humans, we seem to unconsciously search for someone to point the finger at, rather than taking responsibility for our own actions and feelings. When we feel insulted, we want someone to blame. When our needs aren’t being met, we want someone to blame. When things don’t go the way we want them to, we want someone to blame. It’s always easiest to blame those we love most.
Avoid being over- biased
Often couple stop talking in these conditions. A relationship should never be a power struggle about who is right. Respect the other person’s point of view. Don’t think that handling with the problem according to your values and beliefs is the only correct way. Understanding and acknowledging the other person’s outlook gives a chance to grow in love. Try to analyse the situation and try to listen and understand other person’s perspective also. Avoid being over- biased and over-judgmental and avoid jumping to conclusions without considering different factors.
Take full responsibility for your part in any situation that may arise. Apologize if needed, it is a great way to diffuse anger in another person. Even if it’s not your fault, apologize for misunderstanding. If your spouse gets defensive and starts blaming you, try to diffuse your own anger by admitting if something was your fault, and then express logically the facts so that he or she can see where he/she might have gone wrong. A simple ‘Thanks for understanding and not blaming me,’ can go a long way.