What is the ‘fighting style’ between you and your partner?

No two people can live together without fighting. There is bound to some conflict, sometime or the other. But is so, then how do some relationships survive while some crumble and fall apart? If everyone was facing conflicts, then what is the one factor that makes one ‘conflicted-couple’ different from another ‘conflicted-couple’? The answer lies in the conflict/fighting style of the people involved. How you handle a conflict is the core key. The key that can either open up the door to a happier relationship or lock you in completely. Although the people around us and our environment can be big reasons for causing conflicts, an even bigger reason is us; ourselves. We have a basic nature that demands freedom.

We wish to make our decisions on our own. Yet, another basic nature is dependence. We want to form families and live in interdependent nets. This dual personality gets challenged when we find a partner for ourselves. Big conflicts arise when we are unable to balance our needs for freedom and dependence together. We now know that what actually matters is how we handle conflicts so let us look at the three types/styles of arguments between partners:

Avoidance- “Let us act as if this never happened”. Many people tend to take this route in order to avoid conflict. Sadly, this is not even close to the right decision. Conflicts are going to arise but putting them aside is like putting aside a set of dishes that you need to wash. Each time you eat, you decide to set aside the dirty dishes instead of washing them and then after a week of stacking dirty plates, you no longer have a plate to eat into and the plates in the sink are so moldy that they cannot be re-used. Never avoid something that bugs you.

Destructive- Just as the name sounds, this type of argument generally goes about in a similar pattern. “Just accept that it was your fault… there is no use talking to you…” and there are many more things but you get the gist right? This is the ‘blame game you-are-guilty’ type of fight. Instead of working on the matter at hand, people tend to dig out past problems to manipulate the partner. This is again extremely wrong as you might get around the topic sooner or later and may solve the problem. But the hurt words that arise now will again be used later and the relationship will actually turn into the bitterest experience ever.

Constructive- This is the kind of style that you need to develop. Discussing the problem at hand and ONLY, the problem at hand, is the constructive style of argument. You may shout or use hurt words but everything is in the moment. You are fighting about the conflict that occurred now and you will solve the same. The reason this works is because even if you curse and shout, it is all actually a step to solve and figure out the solution to a problem at hand. You want to solve the problem with your partner because you love them and so you are only addressing the problem, keeping your partner in mind. This is the way emotionally and mentally mature people fight.

While it might be hard to change the way you fight, it is still important for you might be the one whose fight style is causing more conflicts. If it is your partner, again you will need to adopt the constructive argument style to help improve your partner. Understand here that I am in no way telling you to change yourself to ‘fit’ into a relation. I am telling you to improve. When you started studying and understood something wrongs then your teachers helped you spot that fault and made you improve on it. Human being are in no way perfect, in fact we are far from the very idea of being perfect so when you learn something new or make adjustments in your behavior, view it a step towards self-development. Change is not bad, change is yet another name of learning.