Relationship

Why do we hurt back our loved ones when they hurt us?

By admin

May 04, 2017

We know what the right thing to do is. When an argument takes place, it is best advised to remain calm and try to make your partner understand that point. But how many times have we done this? Arguments generally turn nasty where couples end up playing the blame game. So, what exactly is causing the break in communication?

Let us start from point 1 to understand this. Point 1 is where a problem takes place. Arguments between couples, even healthy couples, arises generally due to miscommunication. 2 people are dating each other for the purpose of loving so it makes no sense to genuinely try to hurt someone right? (Not if you are dating a psycho, though). So, point 1 is that partner A did something unknowingly that partner B did not like. Who is at fault here? No one. We all have our own lifestyles and way of thinking. Something acceptable by someone may not be acceptable by someone else.

Now comes point 2, or, partner B’s reaction to the miscommunication. Something has hurt B and A has no clue about it. So B tries to make A realize what went wrong, by consciously trying to hurt A. But the level in such things never remains the same. When B tries to make A as miserable as him/herself, B overdoes the situation and ends up hurting A badly. This was an obvious result of B’s plan.

This is where the main point comes in. point 3 is what goes on in partner A’s head.

We don’t make much of what strangers say to us, but when a loved one says something, it goes deep. A stranger might call you ugly and you won’t give a damn, but when your partner or anyone you love, calls you ugly, you are going to believe them. There are many people out there who have strong backbones and no matter what anyone says to them, they will never stop loving and believing in themselves. But everyone is not that strong. So when a partner insults you, the hurt goes a long way. More so, if the hurt was intentional. When you can feel that something was said to you, for the sole purpose of hurting you.

What happens next is like déjà vu, but stronger. Partner A now wants to convey the hurt but that is done not through verbal communication, it is done through anger. And so what happened to A will now happen to B. This is the cycle that many couples are not able to break free from.

The only way out of this is when one person acts maturely and conveys their feelings the right way and this is tough for anyone. When someone hurts you, you can’t just bow down every time. But, conveying your hurt feelings is more important than spreading those feelings. So the next time you are hurt by your partner, tell them that you are hurt and what hurt them. if they raise their voice, tell them to calm down and solve the matter at hand rather than going bonkers. Tell them you are ready to make changes. This is definitely going to calm down your partner for we all want our partners to ‘learn’ from us. Once the discussion is over, tell them what your dislikes are and ask them to make changes just like you. This will not always solve the problem, but it may, for most of the times.