Doesn’t exist, so shrug off small conflicts.
By Padmini Singh
Why do conflicts crop up
It is not possible for two persons, that is husband and wife, hailing from different backgrounds to have similar views on every issue and there are bound to be differences of opinion which should be treated as a normal way of life. Most conflicts often start on petty, trivial and minor issues which can be sorted out amicably and easily if one keeps one’s cool. A great marriage does not mean no conflict by reconciling peacefully, whatever may be the reasons of conflict, always make up by the end of the day.
What can be done to resolve conflicts
Adjust by co-operation and compromise
A successful marriage involves making compromises at every step to keep the peace. One has to adjust to the whims and fancies of the partner. It also involves sacrificing one’s own liking for the sake of the spouse. Matrimony almost always makes many demands on both the partners for mutual adjustment and understanding. There are women who have based their entire lives on compromises and sacrifices. Traditionally, men have always wanted women to sacrifice and women were compromising more than men, making huge sacrifices. Both the spouses have to compromise at some time or other to keep the relationship going.
Adjustment, co-operation and compromise by each spouse are essential elements for a lifelong lasting marriage. Accepting married life with all its problems is the best way of making a success of it without confrontation.
Do not criticise or speak ill of your spouse
There is nothing more embarrassing than hearing a wife or husband criticising the partner. Refrain from saying uncomplimentary things about one’s spouse. Show your loyalty to your spouse by expressing your approval both privately and publicly. Always exhibit a deep respect and sensitivity for your spouse in front of others even if there are some unsolved differences. Otherwise the aggrieved partner remains depressed, frustrated or may become rebellious, affecting their married family life.
Do not play the blame game
It is human nature to point the finger at one’s spouse rather than own is the mistake. Blaming the partner kills the good relationship and creates bitterness for each other. Apologise and thank the partner if needed which does diffuse anger and misunderstanding. Do not think that you are always right and whatever wrong has happened is the other’s doing.
Do not be after finding faults
In a seminar on marriage the couples were asked to list the faults of their spouses on a piece of paper. The organisers then asked them to exchange the papers with their spouses to mark each fault as true or false. A woman meticulously listed 40 faults of her husband and was prepared to see a larger number on her husband’s paper. When she exchanged the paper with her husband, she was surprised to find that her husband filled up his paper with the words, ‘I love you’. Forgetting for a moment that they were in a seminar hall, she threw up everything and ran into her husband’s arms.
Appreciate your spouse
Appreciate each other’s good work and underplay the mistakes. Appreciation acts as a catalyst in getting the best out of a person. Lucky are the women whose husbands appreciate their work, beauty, talk, make-up, suggestions and contributions to the family. If the partner fails to appreciate, ask him or her about the particular thing she wants to be appreciated so that he or she gets the hint and showers praises. Appreciate and keep praising your spouse for all good things. Even small deeds deserve recognition and praise. There are some alpha males who are slow to praise and quick to blame. They have little patience with their wives for delays and actions which are according to their liking.
Develop better bonding
Wedlock is not a bondage but ‘bonding’ of two individuals. Marriage for a woman is her whole existence. Marriage is a bond which makes any other person an outsider. Trust and transparency are important for a rock- solid marriage. Marriage is wonderful if it works out and lasts for a whole life. Keep the romance revived so that love should deepen as time passes, it being the foundation of married life.
Children as bonding factor?
Children are the most important bonding factors of marriage. Do not delay for more than three years for the birth of your first child. Children are a great help in bonding the spouses together.
When things cool down, if you need to argue, do it but while arguing never say anything adverse about your spouse which you won’t like to hear, if spoken to you. Behave like a gentleman and a lady while arguing. Try to solve the issues likely to cause dissatisfaction, frustration, irritation and anger the same day if possible. Never sleep on an argument or a fight.
When wrong, admit it graciously. There is nothing to be lost if one admits that one is wrong. It saves a lot of heartache and unpleasantness. At times it is wise to take the initiative yourself towards reconciliation even when you are not wrong. Otherwise a small issue can become a big one jeopardising marital relations. Once it is felt that there is some mistake in your thinking, clear the misunderstanding and doubts by talking to the spouse.
Give space to each other
The best way when tension mounts at the workplace is to take leave and if this has caused tension at home too, go for a three-week holiday to your parents, if possible along with children. This will give space to both of you, and time to reconcile and pining for each other.
Work with challenges
The differences between the couples who enjoy lasting love and lifelong married life and those who fall by the wayside is not the absence of problems. All couples meet obstacles on the path. What is important is how they work with such challenges.
Keep your spouse pleased
Treat your spouse with dignity, respect, courtesy and love, all those things which you expect for yourself. Praise your spouse at every opportunity. Appreciate her for all the good acts and for her overall contribution to the good of the family. Keep calm when things are hot. It takes a lot of discipline to keep calm and silent. If a time is given, stick to it. Do not get late. If you are stuck up, inform. Do not keep the spouse waiting.