How to avoid them. By Padmini Singh Between husband and wife there will be difference of opinion and views, different ways of doing or saying something, misunderstandings and wrong interpretations of what has been said. This may lead to frustration, disgruntling, argument, minor rifts and even fights. It is seen that to begin with these issues of discord are trivial, many of which can be ignored or sorted out very easily. Keeping the spouse pleased and happy in married life is wished by every husband and wife. It is often said that you cannot please everybody but your spouse is not among that everybody. He or she is special for you with whom one desires and aims to live with happily and harmoniously for the whole life.
Suresh is often preoccupied thinking about some problems of his business even when he is with his wife Rekha. Due to this he usually fails to give undivided attention to what his wife tells him about her physical ailments. Rekha feels neglected and hurt about this attitude of her husband towards her and remains unhappy despite all the material luxuries provided by Suresh for her. What she expects from him is some compassion, caring and support. Sympathising words and arranging for some treatment, if required, would have given her a lot of solace and happiness.
Keep your wife pleased Treat your spouse with dignity, respect, courtesy and love, all those things which you expect for yourself. The mutual trust gives security and the good feeling that there is nothing to feel insecure about. Confidence, truthfulness and mutual respect for each other are the key point on which the marriage is built. In daily life, a wife wants her husband to be tender and soft and to have intimate sharing and an emotional bond with her. Praise your spouse at every opportunity. Appreciate her for all the good acts and for her overall contribution for the good of the family. Do not criticise your spouse and never, never in front of another person.
Life as such has far too many problems, so it is not worth fighting over issues arising in married life. One does not lose or win with one’s own spouse. Nobody is perfect, so ignore each other’s shortcomings and mistakes. Do not nag or try to change your spouse. Be tactful, let the change come gradually.
Do not compare your spouse with others.
Give space to each other so that each spouse has some time to spend in her own way with friends, parents and do the things of her choice.
One need not always agree on everything which your spouse says, have your own views and give voice to it but do not force it or argue vehemently lest the situation becomes unpleasant.
Pamper each other. Give surprise gifts for no reason at all and behave as if you are courting each other or as you were enjoying during the first few weeks after marriage.
Forgive and forget. Accumulating hurt and nursing negative feelings can do more harm to the relationship of married couples. There are times when it is hard to forgive but if you remain a little flexible and forgive your spouse, it strengthens the bond between you. It is always better to iron out issues. If that is not possible, overlook and ignore them.
Make compromises by meeting the partner midway, which does not mean that you lose face. Keep loving each other through romantic gestures, talk and actions. You can be assertive with your spouse but never be aggressive, abusive, adamant or dominant. Be supportive and gentlemanly towards your spouse if you are assertive. It is not appropriate to be assertive in all situations.
It always helps to keep your ego low and go that extra mile to prove your love. Let there be free expression of basic emotions without which the relationship stagnates. Pay attention to what your partner says. Listen to her, women often complain that their husbands do not listen to them or give them sufficient time and they feel neglected and lonely. Talking it over with each other is important for maintaining harmony in married life. By talking to each other the couple can come to a negotiated settlement.
The husband must make efforts to know and understand his wife’s nature and mood, her liking and disliking, what pleases her and what annoys her and what is not liked by her. He should give her priority to do errands for her. He should not make her wait for anything and respond cheerfully when asked to do something. Agreeing with her is safer than arguing.
Though the new generation does not like to be dominated by anyone, most women like to be dominated a little and feel pleased with a manly husband. A husband need not be too soft or just a yes-man wagging his tail at the wife’s command. Otherwise she will take him as a sissy and have no respect for him.
What does a woman really want? A woman wants to be in charge of her own life. If you let her have her way in household matters, she does all the chores willingly and cheerfully because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. If you don’t let a woman have her own way as a homemaker things are going to get ugly. So, husbands must be careful and must always remember: it is either her way or on way to avoid turmoil in their relationship.
The wife wants her husband’s undivided, unshakable love. Be faithful to her. If she is loved with full devotion, she will do everything, ignoring her own discomfort. Sacrifices and compromises she may have to make for the sake of her husband, children and family.
They want the husband’s appreciation of their good work carried out throughout the day. Wives want and crave for hearing appreciating words about their dress, make-up, food preparation, tidiness of the house, looking after the visitors, guests and relatives and looking after him, children and elders.
All wives want to sit, chat and be with their husbands when they are free. Men become so workaholic and money-minded that they have no time for the family. They must reschedule their appointments, commitments, cutting down on wasteful talk, e-mails and phone calls and avoid home-coming late. Men must curtail time spent on TV, computer, phones, card games, club life and friends which should be spent for enjoying the family life.
A wife expects her husband to be magnanimous by ignoring her minor lapses which often happen due to overwork, oversight or due to forgetfulness.
Some career women have no or very little time to look after the home, children or husband. The home has to be managed with the help of a considerate and co-operative husband.
A wife needs constant reassurance of the husband’s love for her and judges it by the attention and care he gives to her. She wants words that translate into affection, attention and commitment. A wife needs to old be told repeatedly the magic words, “I love you” by her husband. Holding hands, touching each other, hugging, caressing and cuddling enhances bonding.
A few women are proud of their parents, highly placed relatives of her side, own education and higher salaries are difficult to be pleased. However, it is said that love has great power and can win anyone.
Keep the husband pleased Give him the feeling that he is the boss and the head of the family. He should be consulted in all matters of significance, whether they are about home affairs, purchases, expenditures, investments, savings, visiting relatives, children’s education and so on. Most men are not tuned for financially independent women as a wife. In such cases it is the wife who has to show and ensure by her words and way that the husband’s male ego is not bruised.
A man needs nurturing and comforting to relieve him of his tensions. Do it without hesitation. Women’s attention, caring and comforting act as a balm to husband’s worries, anxieties and tension. He will feel happy and will willingly and cheerfully do similar things to relieve you from aches, pains and tension of household work.
Every husband wants to live under the impression that he is the most important person in his wife’s life. They crave for more attention from her and often do not verbalise about it. A good positive communication is very essential between husband and wife to keep them closer.
Praise is a wonderful tonic and men too are found hungry for it. Appreciate and praise him even for the smallest help given to you.
Flirting and satisfying his and your physical needs are the most important acts of life for conjugal bliss. The wife’s cooperative attitude pleases the husband. Of course, he too must be considerate about time, place, mood, problems and ailments. Be coquettish occasionally, take the initiative and give affirmative signals by gestures and romantic words.
Wives must know that husband responds better to those things which satisfy their egos. Some men need more pampering for pleasing them, than others. Find out the workload of his job, the problems of commuting, the pressure of targets and his good work done. As a wise lady, it is expected that you will use your husband as per time, place, work priority, financial position and your own need and urgency.
Be available to him to give company when he so desires which may be just for chit-chat or for discussing some serious matters, for going out to a restaurant or a picture hall, for shopping or for meeting people. Communicate freely with him in your friend’s role. Be his best adviser but do not pester him for a particular action. Discuss the pros and cons of it and if he does as per his judgement and things do not move as desired, do not taunt him or keep on reminding him about not following your advice that time.
Do not do anything that displeases, irritates and annoys him. Those should be avoided by deliberate effort. Keep a hold on your tongue as it is the uttered words which, spoken under tension, frustration, anger and jealousy spoil the relationship.
The saying that a husband’s heart is reached easily through his stomach stands true.
Husbands who are crazy for attention, feel grumpy when they do not receive timely attention. The wife should be able to judge his grumpiness and should ask him nicely what is it which is bothering him. The very fact that his wife has noticed his discomfiture makes him feel less neglected. Appreciate your spouse for the good qualities and virtues and never brood over his shortcomings. Accept these and learn to live with them. Let him realise the consequences himself.
Men are turned on by visuals. It pleases men to see their wives well dressed. Wear the dresses, hairstyle and make-up which he likes most and change them frequently tallying with his likings. If he is not in favour of some particular dress and hairstyle change it. If he expresses his
desire to see you in some transparent lingerie, bikini or petticoat jeans or skirt with tops, wear them occasionally in private and give him a surprise
Keeping the husband pleased by doing errand for him is expected by every Indian man from his wife. It does not mean that a wife is subservient to her husband or inferior to him. It means that you care for him and for his comfort and willingly do things to help him which in turn pleases him. Rest assured that it will fetch rich dividends. However, wives should never accept and tolerate the uncouth, uncaring, unloving, unhelpful and abusive or violent nature of their husbands. Have the courage to let him feel that his ill behaviour of treating her as a doormat will not be tolerated.
One must realise that the husband-wife relationship is nurtured by mutual give and take. Loving care of each other will give you rich dividends, in the shape of love, care and support which makes life a heaven on earth. A good deal of tolerance and patience is required to mould oneself by adjusting to each other’s needs, whims, likes and dislikes.
Keeping the wife pleased and happy is the duty and the given and implied commitment of every husband. Similarly, it is incumbent on a wife to keep her husband pleased and happy. When both the spouse take care of each other and have caring, sharing, sacrificing and a supporting attitude for their partner, their married relationship works harmoniously to their benefit and to the benefit of their children, family and society.